Thanks for speaking to me today.
So, you used to be a vampire – you would suck people’s blood until they ran dry?
Yes, but I’ve moved on. I’m now a SEO [search engine optimisation] consultant and I suck people’s bank accounts dry instead. I guess I was born to suck. It’s not such a bad life.
Don’t you worry that you’ll get caught someday?
Not really. SEO consultants have been moving amongst the business community with impunity since the late 1990s. People see us, but they don’t really see through us if you know what I mean. We wear special opaqueness cloaks which are made up of fast talk and jargon.
Do you have any weaknesses – can you be killed?
We’re sensitive to website analytics reports, especially the daylight of business conversion data. But no, we can’t be killed.
Are you in cahoots with any other dark forces?
Yes, digital marketing agencies often provide us with safe-harbour.
Who are your most vulnerable prey?
We target the weak and desperate business-mind. We use a ‘get found on page 1 of google’ hazing-charm to confuse their power of reasoning, and then we put them on a monthly SEO maintenance plan. We suck them until they financially run dry, or the hazing-charm wears off – whichever comes first.
That sounds awful! How do you live with yourself? I mean, what do you see each morning when you look in the mirror?
Nothing, I’m a vampire.
Okay, getting creepy now. Thanks for your time. Let me get the window…