“This time and they’re racing at the 5000 metres Social Media Market Domination Handicap. First out of the gate is MySpace and she’s pulling away quickly. It’s a fresh track and she’s making the most of it. YouTube off to a slow start with buffering issues. Then it’s blogging, LinkedIn and Twitter in a tight bunch, followed by Instagram, Pinterest, Google+ and Snapchat in last position. MySpace now four lengths in front, but Facebook could boost at any moment as we’ve seen her do so many times before. YouTube and LinkedIn both on the pace. But wait… it looks like MySpace is changing jockeys – yes, it’s a News Corp executive now in the saddle – a risky in-race maneuverer, let’s hope they know what they’re doing. But oh no, she’s stumbled badly – she’s out! What a pity for the new owners.
“As they approach the 3000 mark it’s Facebook now firmly in the lead. Blogging moves up on the inside rail – what a great performer he is over longer distances. With a 1000 to go it’s Facebook half a length in front of blogging, followed closely by YouTube in third. Google+ now coming up strong on the outside – just look at him go! Google+ is closing on Facebook – four lengths, three lengths… oh no, he’s thrown his jockey! What a bitter disappointment for the Page/ Brin syndicate who have tried so hard to make their presence felt on this track – they’ll be left searching. YouTube now gaining ground – he could be the one to watch. Instagram makes a break looking like a billion dollars. But it’s still Facebook leading the field, followed by blogging, YouTube and LinkedIn, Twitter fifth then Instagram and Pinterest, and Snapchat closing up the rear.
“Into the final straight and Facebook’s the one to beat – she’s looking mobile, showing true responsiveness. Now with 140 meters to go Twitter throws it on, but has she left enough room? Instagram still looking for a way through. Now it’s Snapchat coming on – wait, yes, he’s done a face-swap with LinkedIn – have you ever seen anything like it folks? Screen-grab that one while you can! Twitter left with no room to fly as Pinterest has her pinned against the inside rail. It’s Facebook in front by a length followed by Instagram neck-in-neck with Pinterest. But it’s Facebook! it’s still Facebook! Yes it is! Yes it is! Yes – Facebook takes it all the way home! Instagram and Pinterest in a too-close-to-call photo-finish for second and third places.
“Congratulations to Facebook and her Wall St owners. A beautiful 12-year old mare by Zuckerberg out of Harvard. And thanks to the tireless support of the fans, investors and advertisers, without whom this race would not have been possible.”
Status updates from the Bard…
“Now is the algorithm of our discontent.”
– Richard III
“The course of launching a website never did run smooth.”
– A Midsummer Night’s Dream
“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you fill our newsfeeds with self-serving promotional content shall we not disengage?”
– Merchant of Venice
“To boost, or not to boost, that is the question.”
“If content be the food of social media, publish on.”
– Twelfth Night
“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.”
“Love all, trust a few, have a social media policy.”
– All’s Well That Ends Well
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have no social media assisted conversion insights!”
– King Lear
“When online detractors come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.”
“False Facebook must hide what the false heart doth know.”
“Wisely, and slow. They stumble that post fast.”
– Romeo and Juliet
“So foul and fair a heavily filtered Instagram post I have not seen.”
“Give every major social media platform thy ear, but few thy voice.”
“What’s posted can’t be unposted.”
“Out, damned stock image! out, I say!”
“Video, video – wherefore art thou video channel?”
– Romeo and Juliet
“All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little website.”
“Facebook fans sought is good, but given unsought, is better.”
– Twelfth Night
“The complaining fan seeking something free doth protest too much, methinks.”
– Twelfth Night
“There’s many a brand has more fans than wit.”
– Comedy of Errors
“Give thy personal thoughts no brand tongue online.”
“Your endless sales posts are as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.”
– King John
“Brands do not care that do not demonstrate their care online.”
– The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Our client is about to kick their social online digital media presence into the stratosphere! The challenge: get them there with limited resources, a minuscule budget and virtually no internal support. Don’t worry, because If you’re the type of self-starter we’re looking for you’ll smash your KPI’s standing on one leg!
Of course it’s essential you be a social media rock-star with 10+ years experience and a proven track-record when it comes to Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Vine, Google+, Pinterest, blogging, Snapchat and Webo. And your quick mastery of every hot, new online thing is an absolute given. With drive and sheer-guts determination you’ll generate more followers, more fans and more likes on every social media channel than all of our client’s competitors put together. That’s what social media gurus do!
You have an online street-hip thing happening already – and just as well because you’ll frequently be required to communicate with external stakeholders using the very latest hashtags and emoji! O; Luckily your hipster online persona is backed up with a high-voltage brain, as you’ll be capturing and analysing swaths of BIG DATA as part of your everyday decision-making. Yes, you’re also a triple black-belt ninja when it comes to analytics!
Naturally you also can cut computer </code> in several languages. Bob the Builder won’t have anything on you by the time you’re finished building and launching new websites for each of the 18 brands our client owns. Plus, you’ll get to show off your talents as a wordsmith – the content for each new site will need to be written from scratch!
Oh, and did we mention search engine optimisation? Not a problem for you, right! Using your own secret magic SEO sauce, you’ll propel our client to the top of Google for the top 500 keywords in their space within weeks. What algorithm you say – boom!
Once you’ve trimmed my client’s sails and have them sailing on smooth digital waters you’ll get the chance to relax with the set-up of an international online affiliate sales program. Bonus fun!
Interested? Up for the challenge? We’d love to hear from you!
Total Remuneration Package: up to $60K for the right candidate.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One pig built his brand online made only from paid advertising while the second pig built his brand online made only from social media. They built their houses very quickly and then sang and danced all day because they were lazy. The third little pig who had recently completed a net101 course applied his learnings and worked hard all day to build his brand online from a website and a blog. He then filled them with the richest of content, and reinforced both with analytics.
The big bad wolf tried to huff and puff and blow the house down, but he could not. He kept trying for hours but the house was very strong and the little pigs were safe inside. He tried to enter through the chimney but the third little pig boiled a big pot of analytic insights and kept it below the chimney. The wolf fell into it and died, just as the data had predicted.
The two little pigs now felt sorry for having been so lazy. They too built their business brands online with strong websites and blogs and lived happily ever after.
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at YouTube.” – Oscar Wilde
“I came, I saw, I left a comment.” – Julius Caesar
“The Facebook newsfeed algorithm is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” – Forrest Gump’s Mom
“Houston, we have a conversion funnel leakage…” – Apollo 13
“Insanity: posting the same thing over and over again and expecting increased audience reach.” – Albert Einstein
“Spam which does not kill us makes us stronger.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“A cat meme gets halfway around the world before a filter has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
“The unexamined analytics report is not worth having.” – Socrates
“Instagram posts are always darkest just before the dawn.” – Thomas Fuller
“Be @yourself on Twitter; everyone else is @taken.” – Oscar Wilde
“Whenever you do a thing online, act as if all the world were watching.” – Thomas Jefferson
“I post online therefore I am.” – Descartes
“Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking newsfeed.” – Irene L. Luce
“The best time to start an opt-in email database was 10 years ago. The second best time is now.” –Chinese Proverb
“People often say that social media posts don’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Social media costs money. But then so does brand invisibility.” –Sir Claus Moser
“Don’t ever wrestle with an online troll. You’ll both get dirty, but the troll will enjoy it.”– Cale Yarborough
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to consume an unusal email newsletter without unsubscribing from it.” – Aristotle
“I have made this status update longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.” – Blaise Pascal
“Asking a social media manager what she thinks about her community is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.” – Christopher Hampton
“There is nothing to writing a blog. All you do is sit down at a computer and bleed.” – Ernest Hemingway
“I find Facebook very educating. Every time somebody opens it up, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“A website visitor is a person, no matter how small.” – Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Who!
“A person who doesn’t tweet has no advantage over one who can’t tweet.” – Mark Twain
“Ask not what your social media community can do for you; ask what you can do for your social media community.” – John F. Kennedy
“If you can’t explain your social media strategy to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.” – Albert Einstein
‘Sam Spade, Registered Social Media Agent’ – at least that’s what the faded gold lettering on my office door says. Not that anyone cares much anymore… social media types are like pencils – everyone has a couple laying around somewhere, and most of them not as sharp as you’d like.
I poured my third bourbon for the morning and studied the fly walking across my keyboard. An overly precise knock at the door broke the hot silence of the room. It always starts this way, and I knew just how it would end.
She was in her mid-thirties, tall, confident and dressed as crisply as a 100 dollar bill – the type that runs the corporate factories downtown. And probably as comfortable with interpreting an analytics report as she is applying lipstick in the dark.
I nodded wearily. As she moved towards my desk the shadows from the ceiling fan played across her face.
“I… we… the people I represent have a small problem, Mr Spade.”
And now we both do sister, I thought to myself.
“There’s been an incident. A marketing co-ordinator we let go won’t give us back the only login details to our Facebook brand page.”
I glanced at the fly on my keyboard which was now still. Probably dead. This city will suck the life out of anything given enough time.
“Awkward.” I said. “And now you’re looking for someone to clean up your little mess?”
“Well, yes. It’s a… delicate situation. We’re a big brand you see. We have profile. We can’t afford to made a public laughing-stock. Will you help?”
“It’s 25 hundred dollars a day plus expenses, Miss…?
“Huntington. Mrs. Huntington. And that’s a lot of money.”
“You should have thought of that before. Book yourself into a social media training course next time – the world could do with fewer delicate situations. Try NET:101, they’re good.”
“Very well Mr. Spade I’ll write you a cheque. And thanks for the advice.”
“Take a seat Mrs. Huntington and tell me from the beginning…”
There are many stories in the big city, this has been one of them.
Dear Little Miss Social
I confess to being genuinely at a loss when it comes to social media engagement in the form of liking other people’s posts. Should I be liking anything and everything from everybody, or just the ones I actually like from the people I know?
Dear Gentle Reader
Whether to publicly like another’s social media post – or not – is a vexing issue, and one which is fraught with misguided intent and endless misinterpretation. The modern ‘like’ is a spring-trap which lays in wait for the uninitiated and where the consequences of a misstep can be socially fatal. But adherence to a few simple and commonsense rules will see you through.
Whenever you like a post from someone within your inner-circle you are ipso facto liking the person who posted it. This is its most popular use and serves the purpose of social bonding between one’s peers. But if you are liking the post of someone from an outer-circle or that of a complete stranger, you are most certainly indicating approval of the post itself – and not the person who published it. In either case, by liking a post you are signalling that you have at least seen the post. It is the digital equivalent of making eye-contact across the madding crowd and tipping one’s hat. In some instances this may be the precursor to a blossoming online relationship.
On occasion you might be inclined to like a post because you genuinely do like it. This should be made manifestly clear with the inclusion of a supporting comment or contextually relevant emoji. Care must be taken however when liking the post of a person who is expressing heightened spiritual, cerebral or physical agitation – for example, a picture of their freshly stubbed toe. To like this without a supporting comment or empathetic emodji would be considered very poor taste indeed.
Liking a shared post performs a dual action. You are both liking the person who shared the post, and liking the post of the person who originally published it. All parties generally understand this to be the case.
On receiving a like one should never overtly acknowledge it with another like or comment – it is unnecessary and often leads to awkwardness.
Liking the last several posts at once from someone should be avoided if possible, as the value of a like diminishes in direct proportion to the elapsed time since it was published. Conversely, liking a post within 5 minutes of its publication is a mark of social excellence which is generally reserved for one’s inner, inner-circle connections – your besties.
It is both unacceptable and churlish to ever unlike a post. The exception to this rule is if the like is withdrawn within 30 seconds of granting it, providing leeway for an inadvertent like which happens to us all on occasion.
From time to time we are obliged to discharge a debt or balance the social ledger when a person has liked your last several posts with scrupulous consistency and rapidity. But care must be taken here, as a perceived haste to repay one’s obligation is a kind of ingratitude of itself. Yes, such debts must be paid with reciprocated likes, but in instalments.
So as you can see Gentle Reader, a like is not always a like – although of course sometimes it is.
100% crazy, 100% fun and 100% certified true!
Since 1997 there have been 28 recorded incidents of websites spontaneously combusting! Totally unexplained!
North Korea is close to launching its own private internet which will be powered entirely from potatoes! Whacky!
Google spelt backwards is ‘Elgoog’. Creepy, but true!
At the sub-atomic level a social media post can be on someone’s newsfeed and not on anyone’s newsfeed simultaneously! Quantum spookiness!
NASA research reveals that cat memes are remarkably persistent, even in zero-gravity environments! Watch out Mr. Astronaut!
The world’s smallest website weighs only 4.6 grams! Unbelievable!
The word Instagram originates from the German ‘instag gramute’ meaning goose fat. Weird huh!?
In the early days of social media people commonly believed that posting a selfie would take their soul away! LOL!
Most people don’t know that old Facebook posts can be stuffed into shoes to keep your feet warm in winter! Try it out!
Hashtags originally contained small amounts of hashish, hence the name! Don’t tell your parents! 🙂
5000 average-sized social media posts draw about the same amount of energy as does a single-bar eclectic heater. That’s a LOT of joules!
QR codes are still commonly traded in some African nations despite a 2009 international ban on their use. Not cool kids!
Lab rats repeatedly exposed to Richard Branson quotes will stop eating and eventually die. That’s toxic!
The word ‘hyperlink’ is actually two separate words put together: ‘hyper’ and ‘link’. Who would have guessed!?
With some basic at-home tinkering Google Analytics can also be used as a two-way radio. Chat long-distance with your friends!
Even today no-one knows how GIF’s actually work. Modern mystery!
Scientists believe they have isolated and can suppress the over-sharing gene in humans. Social media breakthrough!
Hopefully the hard slog of the past few months feels well and truly behind you now. There is a New Moon eclipse this month and it is urging you to stop worrying about accumulating more followers and fans, and to start engaging more with existing ones. Also, your sensitive nature is likely to pick up on algorithmic changes on one of more of your social media accounts which may detrimentally affect your organic audience reach. You’ll find that you can incorporate some of this new knowledge in a way that gives you a greater advantage.
Note that with eclipses, problems start if we cling on to social media platforms which are not working and pretend everything is ok when it’s not. Release what needs to be released before the Universe releases it for you. Get the picture? As this New Moon eclipse is in the deepest part of your chart it also makes it the ideal month to experiment with other social media platforms which may reveal your brand’s hidden depths. Try looking for inspiration in the Houses of Pinterest or Instagram.
Although you do have all the cosmic support you need to enjoy your social media manager duties this month you must force yourself to work through your fears of analytics and data interpretation to get to the ‘really good stuff’.
Your transient ruler, the rambunctious Mars with a take-no-prisoners manner, will zig-zag through your social media channels. Mars forms a trine to the Lunar Eclipse – this is almost always an emotional time. You may forget a login password or send out a post with a broken hyperlink, so try to stay strong! But Mars also rewards the curious and adventurous – time to shake off your propensity to play it safe and produce everything in-house the way it’s always been done. Try outsourcing a few $5 gigs to an overseas freelancer on Fiverr.com and add some exotic spice to your next posts!
As Pluto remains in the Tenth House it is a rare chance to change the way you think. “What’s the good of that?” you might ask. Well, according to ancient wisdom and New Age theory, we create our reality with our thoughts. If you have got into the habit of thinking negatively about your social media presence, it’s time to retrain your brain. Monitor your thoughts and swerve them towards positivity. You could achieve some amazing business-level outcomes.
This is a wonderful month to expand your mind and you have full cosmic support – the Universe knows you are ripe for change. If you need to, undertake a NET:101 social media course to help make some sense of your longer-term strategic goals. The more realistic you can be, the better.
As the end of the month approaches, you should feel like you finally have achieved the KPI’s that you so deeply desire and this happiness adds a new dimension to your online persona. You better understand the rules, your superiors are more aware of your particular talents, and you are concentrating on playing the game of social media more skillfully.