Category Archives: Satirical

@shakespeare


“Now is the algorithm of our discontent.”

Richard III

“The course of launching a website never did run smooth.”
A Midsummer Night’s Dream

“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you fill our newsfeeds with self-serving promotional content shall we not disengage?”
Merchant of Venice

“To boost, or not to boost, that is the question.”
Hamlet

“If content be the food of social media, publish on.”
Twelfth Night

“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.
Hamlet

“Love all, trust a few, have a social media policy.”
All’s Well That Ends Well

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have no social media assisted conversion insights!”
King Lear

“When online detractors come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.”
Hamlet

“False Facebook must hide what the false heart doth know.”
Macbeth

“Wisely, and slow. They stumble that post fast.”
Romeo and Juliet

“What’s posted can’t be unposted.”
Macbeth

“Out, damned stock image! out, I say!”
Macbeth

“Video, video – wherefore art thou video channel?”
Romeo and Juliet

“All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this trash website.”
Macbeth

“Facebook fans sought is good, but given unsought, is better.”
Twelfth Night

“The complaining fan seeking something free doth protest too much, methinks.”
Twelfth Night

“Give thy personal thoughts no tongue online.”
Hamlet



Hard-Boiled Social Media

Sam Spade Registered Social Media Agent, that’s me if you believe the faded gold lettering on my office door. Not that anyone cares much anymore. Social media consultants are like pencils: everyone has a couple laying around somewhere – most of them not as sharp as you’d like them to be.

I poured my second bourbon of the morning and studied a fly walk all the way from H to J on my keyboard. An all too precise knock at the door broke the hot silence of the room. It always starts this way, and I knew just how it would end.

“Mr Spade?”

She was mid-thirties, tall, confident and dressed as crisply as a 100 dollar bill – the type that runs the corporate factories downtown. And probably as comfortable with interpreting an analytics report as she is applying lipstick in the dark.

I nodded wearily. As she moved towards my desk a long shadow from the ceiling fan played across her magazine-cover face.

“I… we… the people I represent have a small problem, Mr Spade.”

And now we both do sister I thought to myself.

“Our Facebook organic reach keeps plummeting and we don’t know what to do.”

I glanced at the fly on my keyboard which was still. Probably dead. This city sucks the life out of everything given enough time.

“Awkward.” I said.

“Well, yes. It’s a… delicate situation. We’re a big brand you see. We have profile. We can’t afford to made a public laughing-stock. Will you help?”

“It’s 25 hundred dollars a day plus expenses, Miss…?”

“Huntington. Mrs Huntington. And that’s a lot of money.”

“You should have thought of that before. Book yourself into a social media training course next time – the world could do with fewer delicate situations. Try net101 , they’re one of the good ones.”

“Very well Mr Spade I’ll write you a cheque. And thanks for the training advice.”

“Take a seat Mrs Huntington, and tell it to me from the beginning…”


There are many social media stories in the big city, this has been one of them.

 



April Horoscope for Social Media Managers

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Hopefully the hard slog of the past few months feels well and truly behind you now. There is a New Moon eclipse this month and it is urging you to stop worrying about accumulating more followers and fans, and to start engaging more with existing ones. Also, your sensitive nature is likely to pick up on algorithmic changes on one of more of your social media accounts which may detrimentally affect your organic audience reach. You’ll find that you can incorporate some of this new knowledge in a way that gives you a greater advantage.

Note that with eclipses, problems start if we cling on to social media platforms which are not working and pretend everything is ok when it’s not. Release what needs to be released before the Universe releases it for you. Get the picture? As this New Moon eclipse is in the deepest part of your chart it also makes it the ideal month to experiment with other social media platforms which may reveal your brand’s hidden depths. Try looking for inspiration in the Houses of Pinterest or Instagram.

Although you do have all the cosmic support you need to enjoy your social media manager duties this month you must force yourself to work through your fears of analytics and data interpretation to get to the ‘really good stuff’.

Your transient ruler, the rambunctious Mars with a take-no-prisoners manner, will zig-zag through your social media channels. Mars forms a trine to the Lunar Eclipse – this is almost always an emotional time. You may forget a login password or send out a post with a broken hyperlink, so try to stay strong! But Mars also rewards the curious and adventurous – time to shake off your propensity to play it safe and produce everything in-house the way it’s always been done. Try outsourcing a few $5 gigs to an overseas freelancer on Fiverr.com and add some exotic spice to your next posts!

As Pluto remains in the Tenth House it is a rare chance to change the way you think. “What’s the good of that?” you might ask. Well, according to ancient wisdom and New Age theory, we create our reality with our thoughts. If you have got into the habit of thinking negatively about your social media presence, it’s time to retrain your brain. Monitor your thoughts and swerve them towards positivity. You could achieve some amazing business-level outcomes.

This is a wonderful month to expand your mind and you have full cosmic support – the Universe knows you are ripe for change. If you need to, undertake a net101 social media course to help make some sense of your longer-term strategic goals. The more realistic you can be, the better.

As the end of the month approaches, you should feel like you finally have achieved the KPI’s that you so deeply desire and this happiness adds a new dimension to your online persona. You better understand the rules, your superiors are more aware of your particular talents, and you are concentrating on playing the game of social media more skilfully.

 



Social Media Online Digital Guru Wanted! #AreYouTheOne

Our client wants to kick their social online digital media presence into the strat-os-phere! The challenge: get them there with limited resources, a minuscule budget and virtually no internal support. It’s BYO kombucha, jet-pack and it’s total craziness!

It’s essential you already be a social media rockstar, influencer type with 12+ years experience across Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Weibo and blogging. And your flash mastery of every new online thing where-the-cool-kids-are is a given. With hyper-drive and sheer guts determination you’ll generate more followers and likes than all of our client’s competitors added together. That’s just what social media gurus do!

You have an online hipster-persona thing happening already – and just as well because you’ll frequently be required to communicate with external stakeholders using cutting-edge hashtags and emoji! O; Luckily, your totally-slaying-it persona is backed up with a mega-brain, as you’ll be capturing and analysing swaths of data. Yes, you’re also a triple black-belt ninja when it comes to analytics!

Cut code? You know you do. Good thing because Bob the Builder won’t have anything on you by the time you’re finished designing and launching 7 new websites for the 7 brands in our client’s portfolio. Plus, you’ll get to show off your talents as an accomplished wordsmith – the content for each new site will need to be written from scratch!

Oh, and did we mention search engine optimisation? Not a problem for you, right!? Using your own secret magic SEO sauce, you’ll propel our client to the top of Google for the most popular 500 keywords in their industry space. What algorithm you say – boom!

Once you’ve trimmed our client’s sails and have them sailing smooth you’ll get the chance to relax with the set-up of an international online affiliate sales program. We just call that bonus fun!

Interested? Up for the challenge? We’d love to hear from you – just @us!

(TRP up to $42K for the right candidate, plus $50 iTunes gift card starting bonus)

 

advisory



A Day at the Races

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“This time and they’re racing at the 5000 metres Social Media Market Domination Handicap. First out of the gate is MySpace and she’s pulling away quickly. It’s a fresh track and she’s making the most of it. YouTube off to a slow start with buffering issues. Then it’s blogging, LinkedIn and Twitter in a tight bunch, followed by Instagram, Pinterest, Google+ and Snapchat in last position. MySpace now four lengths in front, but Facebook could boost at any moment as we’ve seen her do so many times before. YouTube and LinkedIn both on the pace. But wait… it looks like MySpace is changing jockeys – yes, it’s a News Corp executive now in the saddle – a risky in-race maneuverer, let’s hope they know what they’re doing. But oh no, she’s stumbled badly – she’s out! What a pity for the new owners.

“As they approach the 3000 mark it’s Facebook now firmly in the lead. Blogging moves up on the inside rail – what a great performer he is over longer distances. With a 1000 to go it’s Facebook half a length in front of blogging, followed closely by YouTube in third. Google+ now coming up strong on the outside – just look at him go! Google+ is closing on Facebook – four lengths, three lengths… oh no, he’s thrown his jockey! What a bitter disappointment for the Page/ Brin syndicate who have tried so hard to make their presence felt on this track – they’ll be left searching. YouTube now gaining ground – he could be the one to watch. Instagram makes a break looking like a billion dollars. But it’s still Facebook leading the field, followed by blogging, YouTube and LinkedIn, Twitter fifth then Instagram and Pinterest, and Snapchat closing up the rear.

“Into the final straight and Facebook’s the one to beat  – she’s looking mobile, showing true responsiveness. Now with 140 meters to go Twitter throws it on, but has she left enough room? Instagram still looking for a way through. Now it’s Snapchat coming on – wait, yes, he’s done  a face-swap with LinkedIn – have you ever seen anything like it folks? Screen-grab that one while you can! Twitter left with no room to fly as Pinterest has her pinned against the inside rail. It’s Facebook in front by a length followed by Instagram neck-in-neck with Pinterest. But it’s Facebook! it’s still Facebook! Yes it is! Yes it is! Yes –   Facebook takes it all the way home! Instagram and Pinterest in a too-close-to-call photo-finish for second and third places.

“Congratulations to Facebook and her Wall St owners. A beautiful 12-year old mare by Zuckerberg out of Harvard. And thanks to the tireless support of the fans, investors and advertisers, without whom this race would not have been possible.”

 



Amazing True Facts!

wow

 

100% crazy, 100% fun and 100% certified true!

Since 1997 there have been 28 recorded incidents of websites spontaneously combusting! Totally unexplained!

North Korea is close to launching its own private internet which will be powered entirely from potatoes! Whacky!

Google spelt backwards is ‘Elgoog’. Creepy, but true!

At the sub-atomic level a social media post can be on someone’s newsfeed and not on anyone’s newsfeed simultaneously! Quantum spookiness!

NASA research reveals that cat memes are remarkably persistent, even in zero-gravity environments! Watch out Mr. Astronaut!

The world’s smallest website weighs only 4.6 grams! Unbelievable!

The word Instagram originates from the German ‘instag gramute’ meaning goose fat. Weird huh!?

In the early days of social media people commonly believed that posting a selfie would take their soul away! LOL!

Most people don’t know that old Facebook posts can be stuffed into shoes to keep your feet warm in winter! Try it out!

Hashtags originally contained small amounts of hashish, hence the name! Don’t tell your parents! 🙂

5000 average-sized social media posts draw about the same amount of energy as does a single-bar eclectic heater. That’s a LOT of joules!

QR codes are still commonly traded in some African nations despite a 2009 international ban on their use. Not cool kids!

Lab rats repeatedly exposed to Richard Branson quotes will stop eating and eventually die. That’s toxic!

The word ‘hyperlink’ is actually two separate words put together: ‘hyper’ and ‘link’. Who would have guessed!?

With some basic at-home tinkering Google Analytics can also be used as a two-way radio. Chat long-distance with your friends!

Even today no-one knows how GIF’s actually work. Modern mystery!

Scientists believe they have isolated and can suppress the over-sharing gene in humans. Social media breakthrough!