Amazing True Facts!

wow

 

100% crazy, 100% fun and 100% certified true!

Since 1997 there have been 28 recorded incidents of websites spontaneously combusting! Totally unexplained!

North Korea is close to launching its own private internet which will be powered entirely from potatoes! Whacky!

Google spelt backwards is ‘Elgoog’. Creepy, but true!

At the sub-atomic level a social media post can be on someone’s newsfeed and not on anyone’s newsfeed simultaneously! Quantum spookiness!

NASA research reveals that cat memes are remarkably persistent, even in zero-gravity environments! Watch out Mr. Astronaut!

The world’s smallest website weighs only 4.6 grams! Unbelievable!

The word Instagram originates from the German ‘instag gramute’ meaning goose fat. Weird huh!?

In the early days of social media people commonly believed that posting a selfie would take their soul away! LOL!

Most people don’t know that old Facebook posts can be stuffed into shoes to keep your feet warm in winter! Try it out!

Hashtags originally contained small amounts of hashish, hence the name! Don’t tell your parents! 🙂

5000 average-sized social media posts draw about the same amount of energy as does a single-bar eclectic heater. That’s a LOT of joules!

QR codes are still commonly traded in some African nations despite a 2009 international ban on their use. Not cool kids!

Lab rats repeatedly exposed to Richard Branson quotes will stop eating and eventually die. That’s toxic!

The word ‘hyperlink’ is actually two separate words put together: ‘hyper’ and ‘link’. Who would have guessed!?

With some basic at-home tinkering Google Analytics can also be used as a two-way radio. Chat long-distance with your friends!

Even today no-one knows how GIF’s actually work. Modern mystery!

Scientists believe they have isolated and can suppress the over-sharing gene in humans. Social media breakthrough!

 

 



Man Discovers Factual Error on the Web

Man2

Terry Jenkins, a property developer from Cairns recently found evidence of a factual error on the web. “I almost missed it.” said Terry “I was reading a piece about Peru which made reference to Trujillo as their capital city. I was puzzled and then a bit shocked. I mean, I was on the world wide web – how could anything which wasn’t completely true make it on there in the first place? But no, a quick call to the Peruvian embassy in Sydney confirmed the error as real – the capital of Peru is actually Lima!

“What a revelation –  I was almost bowled over! Then I got to thinking: if I had found one error on the web could there be other falsehoods published online? And if this were the case and it became widely known, then surely the web would lose its credibility as a reliable source of information…. and people would just stop using it.

“If the web is to retain its mantle as the universal repository of truth, then whoever’s running the show needs to safeguard its integrity. I spotted one slip-up, but there could be others. At the risk of sounding cynical I’m wondering if I can continue to believe everything I see on the web. What next, I’ll discover that online local business reviews and Grumpy Cat are fake?

 

advisory

 



@shakespeare78

ws4

Status updates from the Bard…

“Now is the algorithm of our discontent.”
– Richard III

“The course of launching a website never did run smooth.”
– A Midsummer Night’s Dream

“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you fill our newsfeeds with self-serving promotional content shall we not disengage?”
– Merchant of Venice

“To boost, or not to boost, that is the question.”
– Hamlet

“If content be the food of social media, publish on.”
– Twelfth Night

“Brevity is the soul of Twitter.
– Hamlet

“Love all, trust a few, have a social media policy.”
– All’s Well That Ends Well

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have no social media assisted conversion insights!”
– King Lear

“When online detractors come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.”
– Hamlet

“False Facebook must hide what the false heart doth know.”
-Macbeth

“Wisely, and slow. They stumble that post fast.”
– Romeo and Juliet

“So foul and fair a heavily filtered Instagram post I have not seen.”
– Macbeth

“Give every major social media platform thy ear, but few thy voice.”
– Hamlet

“What’s posted can’t be unposted.”
– Macbeth

“Out, damned stock image! out, I say!”
– Macbeth

“Video, video – wherefore art thou video channel?”
– Romeo and Juliet

“All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little website.”
– Macbeth

“Facebook fans sought is good, but given unsought, is better.”
– Twelfth Night

“The complaining fan seeking something free doth protest too much, methinks.”
– Twelfth Night

“There’s many a brand has more fans than wit.”
– Comedy of Errors

“Give thy personal thoughts no brand tongue online.”
– Hamlet

“Your endless sales posts are as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.”
– King John

“Brands do not care that do not demonstrate their care online.”
– The Two Gentlemen of Verona

 



April Horoscope for Social Media Managers

h pic2

 

Hopefully the hard slog of the past few months feels well and truly behind you now. There is a New Moon eclipse this month and it is urging you to stop worrying about accumulating more followers and fans, and to start engaging more with existing ones. Also, your sensitive nature is likely to pick up on algorithmic changes on one of more of your social media accounts which may detrimentally affect your organic audience reach. You’ll find that you can incorporate some of this new knowledge in a way that gives you a greater advantage.

Note that with eclipses, problems start if we cling on to social media platforms which are not working and pretend everything is ok when it’s not. Release what needs to be released before the Universe releases it for you. Get the picture? As this New Moon eclipse is in the deepest part of your chart it also makes it the ideal month to experiment with other social media platforms which may reveal your brand’s hidden depths. Try looking for inspiration in the Houses of Pinterest or Instagram.

Although you do have all the cosmic support you need to enjoy your social media manager duties this month you must force yourself to work through your fears of analytics and data interpretation to get to the ‘really good stuff’.

Your transient ruler, the rambunctious Mars with a take-no-prisoners manner, will zig-zag through your social media channels. Mars forms a trine to the Lunar Eclipse – this is almost always an emotional time. You may forget a login password or send out a post with a broken hyperlink, so try to stay strong! But Mars also rewards the curious and adventurous – time to shake off your propensity to play it safe and produce everything in-house the way it’s always been done. Try outsourcing a few $5 gigs to an overseas freelancer on Fiverr.com and add some exotic spice to your next posts!

As Pluto remains in the Tenth House it is a rare chance to change the way you think. “What’s the good of that?” you might ask. Well, according to ancient wisdom and New Age theory, we create our reality with our thoughts. If you have got into the habit of thinking negatively about your social media presence, it’s time to retrain your brain. Monitor your thoughts and swerve them towards positivity. You could achieve some amazing business-level outcomes.

This is a wonderful month to expand your mind and you have full cosmic support – the Universe knows you are ripe for change. If you need to, undertake a NET:101 social media course to help make some sense of your longer-term strategic goals. The more realistic you can be, the better.

As the end of the month approaches, you should feel like you finally have achieved the KPI’s that you so deeply desire and this happiness adds a new dimension to your online persona. You better understand the rules, your superiors are more aware of your particular talents, and you are concentrating on playing the game of social media more skillfully.

 



Facebook to offer line of credit to brand-page owners

man

Facebook, the world’s largest social network, has unveiled a low interest lending facility called Facebook Universal (FU). The new service is aimed at small to medium sized organisations who require a fast line of credit to fund their sponsored posts. The practice of paying to increase the reach of individual posts, known as ‘boosting’ is now widely considered to be the only way that page owners can effectively reach their fans anymore.

Time Magazine was the first to break the story in an interview with Facebook’s Head of Revenue Streams, Franky Holsworth. In the interview Holsworth candidly admitted what many social media managers have feared for some while: “In the coming days brand-page owners will see the complete and total suppression of their organic [unpaid] page posts onto anyone’s personal newsfeed. Of course no business will ever be forced to pay a dime to have a page, but those who don’t make the investment will fall into what Mark jokingly calls the ‘obscurity vortex’. But we’re determined not to let a lack of an allocated budget for boosted posts to be an obstacle for any organisation wanting to build an engaged fan base – we’ll just lend you the money at a great interest rate. It’s as simple as that.

“Full page monetisation really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. We’ve been gradually throttling organic reach for some time now. And all along we’ve clearly stated our intention to do this within our Terms of Service – the same ones everybody agreed to when they first opened their account. Of course anyone is free to transition their community across to another social network if they don’t like how Facebook is running  – I hear there are some interesting networks popping up in China and Russia that might be worth checking out.”

When asked about the risk Facebook would be taking on by suppling unsecured credit to total strangers from around the world, Holsworth’s response was obtuse: “Let me frame it this way: we know a heck of a lot about you, your family, where you live, even the names of your pets – I don’t think it would be in anyone’s interest to fall behind on a loan repayment. That’s not a threat, just a fact… we’re on your side after all.”

 

advisory

 



Dog orders own food and toys online

pooch

In a world-first an animal has successfully conducted an eCommerce transaction. ‘Mitzi’, a 3-year old pug from Sacramento, California placed an online order for dog food, assorted dog toys, a fluffy blanket and a Selena Gomez poster from Amazon.com. When the same-day order was delivered Mitzi’s owner Morris Zakoski first thought there had been a mistake. ”I buy a lot of stuff from Amazon”, said Zakoski, “but I couldn’t remember ordering these things, and besides, I don’t even like Selena Gomez. But sometimes I leave my Mac on when I go to work – I guess on this day Mitzi just worked it out for herself… she’s always been adept at using a trackpad.”

In recognition of the milestone, Amazon gifted Mitzi with a lifetime Prime Membership. “This comes as no surprise to us”, said Cindy Sherman, Amazon Senior Vice President of Sales. ”Our service is designed to be extremely easy to use. Internal trials have shown that primates, dogs, pigs and dolphins are all capable of navigating our checkout process. Amazon is happy to accept orders from animals provided they have a delivery address and a valid credit card on file.”

 

advisory



Mellow Yellow

Crop

 

The Australian Department of Education and Early Childhood have released a report for public discussion entitled Emoji – the New Language of Life. The key recommendation is for the social and business applications of emoji to be taught as formal topics in Australian schools through to year 12. Emoji are ideograms and smileys used in electronic messages and across many social media sites. They first gained popularity amongst Japanese schoolgirls during the late 1990’s as a counter-culture derivative hip-hop underground street-movement form of expression. The loose Japanese translation of emoji is ‘ears of puppy-dog’.

Dr. Jim Marin, Chair the Department of Education’s Committee on Emerging Things, is a vocal supporter of bringing emoji into the classroom, “They are the franca lingua of all electronic mediums. Australian children must not only learn the emoji building blocks of facial expressions, common objects, places, types of weather, flags and animals – but they must master the subtleties of the idiom. In Sweden for example there are 7 distinct emoji which express different qualities of snow. In Australia many children would struggle to use even the standard emoji snowflake in its correct context. If Australia as a nation wants to compete internationally we must teach our people 21st century skills and competencies – we should be investing heavily in all five STEME disciplines: science, technology, engineering, math and emoji.

“And we need to start early. By the time most Scandinavian children enter school they are already conversant with over 250 different emoji, including animated variants. Is it any surprise that Ikea now provide alternate assembly instructions for their products fully in emoji, and many people find them easier to follow?”

But the Department of Education’s report is not without its critics. Professor Peter Standage, Head of Linguistics at the University of Melbourne is damning in his appraisal of emoji, “They dumb down our collective emotional repertoire and hamper meaningful communication at all levels of society. Whenever I see an emoji within an email or text I despair… are we losing the fine art of nuanced communication? There are also Orwellian overtones – how can we possibly engage in open political debate concerning the important issues of the day if the voice of the people has been reduced to a yellow facial expression? I don’t support the use of emoji in any context whatsoever – they give me a sad face… a big old-fashioned one.”

 

advisory



Social Media Online Digital Guru Wanted! #AreYouTheOne ?

seat2

Our client is about to kick their social online digital media presence into the stratosphere! The challenge: get them there with limited resources, a minuscule budget and virtually no internal support. Don’t worry, because If you’re the type of self-starter we’re looking for you’ll smash your KPI’s standing on one leg!

Of course it’s essential you be a social media rock-star with 10+ years experience and a proven track-record when it comes to Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Vine, Google+, Pinterest, blogging, Snapchat and Webo. And your quick mastery of every hot, new online thing is an absolute  given. With drive and sheer-guts determination you’ll generate more followers, more fans and more likes on every social media channel than all of our client’s competitors put together. That’s what social media gurus do!

You have an online street-hip thing happening already – and just as well because you’ll frequently be required to communicate with external stakeholders using the very latest hashtags and emoji! O; Luckily your hipster online persona is backed up with a high-voltage brain, as you’ll be capturing and analysing swaths of BIG DATA as part of your everyday decision-making. Yes, you’re also a triple black-belt ninja when it comes to analytics!

Naturally you also can cut computer </code> in several languages. Bob the Builder won’t have anything on you by the time you’re finished building and launching new websites for each of the 18 brands our client owns. Plus, you’ll get to show off your talents as a wordsmith – the content for each new site will need to be written from scratch!

Oh, and did we mention search engine optimisation? Not a problem for you, right! Using your own secret magic SEO sauce, you’ll propel our client to the top of Google for the top 500 keywords in their space within weeks. What algorithm you say – boom!

Once you’ve trimmed my client’s sails and have them sailing on smooth digital waters you’ll get the chance to relax with the set-up of an international online affiliate sales program. Bonus fun!

Interested? Up for the challenge? We’d love to hear from you!

Total Remuneration Package: up to $60K for the right candidate.

 

advisory



Dear Little Miss Social…

write1

Dear Little Miss Social

The professional value I derive from LinkedIn is diminishing as it starts to look and feel more like a second Facebook. Is that just me, or has something happened over there?

Maxine Jeffery
Flummoxed networker,
Melbourne, Australia

 

Dear Gentle Reader

On occasion Little Miss Social delights in a robust metaphor, and this one of them. Whenever I hear mention of LinkedIn I cannot but help think of the plight of Rome in the first century AD. For alas Gentle Reader, I fear the sack and decline of LinkedIn is upon us.

As uncouth as the Gauls, Visigoths and Vandals may have been, they are nothing on the modern-day Barbarians who wield their destructive power from inside of LinkedIn’s own city walls! What possible defence pray-tell do we have against fellow-denizens bent on recycling inspirational quotes from Richard Branson and Steve Jobs? Or the publishing of endless streams of math problems and the first-word-you-see letter plays? Or the spamming of one’s own group members with unsolicited in-mail? Or the pitching of dubious or odious business propositions from one’s newly acquired connections? If I may be permitted to paraphrase Augustus, we may have found LinkedIn built of marble, but we leave her today clothed in bricks.

Little Miss Social’s advice for the continued use of LinkedIn is simple: build and maintain your own house and let the city populous at large endure the Barbarian rampages. Grant access only to your chosen and build a safe-haven around them. Be vigilant of peddlers, serial sharers and the Bransonites. Do not be afraid to cast out transgressors – use the ‘unfollow’ option at the first signs of trouble or ‘disconnect’ the connection altogether. Do not engage with low-quality posts – that is how the Barbarian makes his presence felt. Do not post inspirational quotes – they depress our collective sensibilities (and it is how we know you have too much time on your hands or are just manifestly unhappy in your current job role).

But do play your part – be useful and ever-considerate of what you are directly and indirectly posting onto the newsfeeds of others. I will do the same and we will both once again enjoy Rome as it was when Caesar was a boy.

 



3 Little Pigs Redux

pigs3

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One pig built his business brand online made only from paid advertising while the second pig built his business brand online made only from social media. They built their houses very quickly and then sang and danced all day because they were lazy. The third little pig worked hard all day and built his business brand online from a website and a blog. He then filled them with the richest of content, and reinforced both with analytics.

A big bad wolf saw the two little pigs while they danced and played and thought, “What juicy tender meals they will make!” He chased the two pigs and they ran and hid in their houses. The big bad wolf went to the first house and huffed and puffed and blew the house down in minutes, for the pig had maxed-out his credit card to pay for his ads. The frightened little pig ran to the second pig’s house that was made of social media. The big bad wolf now came to this house and huffed and puffed and blew the house down in hardly any time, for it was wasn’t really the little pig’s house at all – it was owned by a third-party corporation located in America, and the terms of use had changed earlier that afternoon. Now, the two little pigs were terrified and ran to the third pig’s house that was made of the reinforced website and blog.

The big bad wolf tried to huff and puff and blow the house down, but he could not. He kept trying for hours but the house was very strong and the little pigs were safe inside. He tried to enter through the chimney but the third little pig boiled a big pot of analytic insights and kept it below the chimney. The wolf fell into it and died, just as the data had predicted.

The two little pigs now felt sorry for having been so lazy. They too built their business brands online with strong websites and blogs and lived happily ever after.